I was talking my niece who lives in Australia last week. We whatsapp regularly which is great, but we have only small windows during which we’re both awake and alert enough to be super witty and entertain each other – or indeed support each other as the need arises. (We’re only 8 years apart for anyone who might be concerned I’m leaning on a child for my entertainment and emotional needs!)
“Will it change? Will we?”
That was a question asked of me by a gorgeous teenager a few weeks ago.
Apparently the answer is (quite literally) YES!!
I have a friend – well, I know and admire a woman who might yet be a friend – and this morning I woke to find an email from her in my inbox, with a recording attached. She’s a journalist and normally an email from her means she’s writing a piece and is interested in my professional opinion on the topic. We’ve been back and forth-ing for a couple of years and, as you do, we’ve been rearranging the boundaries a little more each time.
Yay us – what a year! A lot has happened this year. A lot of it really, really terrible. We’ve talked about Weinstein, #MeToo, Rape Culture, Porn, Women and the church, our own entertainment industry and its grim history of sexual misconduct. Our next challenges are to respectfully debate Repeal the 8th, to continue to #changetheconversation, to keep up the momentum of reform for ourselves, our partners, our children. It’s clear that terrible things have happened.
But on the other hand:
I was going to start by saying I don’t want to frighten you, but actually I do.
These are figures published today by CyberSafeIreland. Frightened yet?
Lots of people are doing a lot of talking (again) about setting rules for kids around their use of technology and that’s (still) a really good thing. But when are we actually going to do it?
[bctt tweet=”Saying you’re not tech savvy no longer cuts it – we all need to wake up and take responsibility for what’s happening all around us, in our own homes #parenting #cybersafety #staysafe #tweens #teens ” username=”psychosal”]
We don’t have to look far to find examples of how tech is damaging (as well as enhancing) the lives of our kids – it leaks into everything doesn’t it? Nothing is untouched by tech these days – unless you are super strict and have none in your house.. in which case I guess you won’t be reading this..
I digress.. 
While there is a lot written telling parents to set rules, there isn’t quite as much written about what exact rules to set. And so parents are still left scratching their heads somewhat – it’s not as if we can refer to what our parents did. We are still coming to terms with this shiny new toy ourselves!
So, this is getting serious. As adults, we need to cop on, set the rules and stick to them.
Starting off with rules and sticking to them is the way to go. Kids will not set their own boundaries, they are not equipped to do so and not only that, but they are relying on us to do this for them.
Several weeks ago a thirteen year old boy that I work with told me he’d been awake ’til 3am gaming – an over 18’s game, but that’s not the main point. The main point that struck me was this – he said he was exhausted. That he couldn’t concentrate in school. I agreed that he certainly looked tired. He said “Ya.. I know.. I wish my parents would notice that..”.
He said it would be easier for him if they just took his tech and set rules. That way he’d sleep better and be able to blame them when him gaming buddies whined that he wasn’t online. He thought it was nice that they trusted him but seriously – how could he resist the temptation??
Rules must be set, much as we want to communicate trust to our young people. One way to communicate that trust is to set rules, and then trust them to play ball.
My suggestion is pretty old school: write a list of rules, stick them up on a wall, or several walls and be ready to discuss in advance and then issue consequences (not necessarily punishments) for rule breakage. These consequences will be removal of privileges – tech related privileges will likely work best .
1. No phones (or laptops, tablets, iPads, iPods or TV’s) to be used in any way during meals. Ideally have a bowl or a box to temporarily chuck them into. Y’know, gently. Note your own discomfort with this idea (are you resisting it already??) This is where we need to model the behaviour we expect. If you don’t, you’ll look like a hypocrite to an acutely sharp teenage eye and also it will definitely get thrown into your face during a future argument! Phone etiquette is a modern social skill – we all need to adapt and learn it!
2. Homework first. Lots of houses have a rule where TV or whatever is turned on as soon as the school bag hits the floor – that’s certainly what happened in my house. My suggestion is though that access to tech happens only after homework and/or a small household job or two or done. This will have lots of benefits long term – your child will learn self-discipline, patience, and responsibility. It will also help them avoid the distraction and procrastination that goes with TV watching and it will enhance their enjoyment of said distraction when they finally get to it because nothing will be hanging over them. We need to teach relaxation and reward too!
3. Screens off at the same time every night. We know that the blue light emitted by screens, even small screens like phone interferes with the production of melatonin. This is bad news for sleepy time. And that’s bad news for pretty much everything from academic performance to overall physical and mental health.
(Goes for adults too… #JustSayin
4. Bedrooms should be tech-free zones. Two reasons for this –
Allowing your teen to have a TV in his bedroom will only encourage him to watch a lot of TV and it will be nearly impossible to monitor what he’s watching and how much TV he’s watching. Another idea is to have phones shut down at night and handed over to you until morning. There are thousands of kids all over the world texting and snapping into the small hours and wandering around like zombies the next day. You can prevent this. And they can blame you if they get grief from friends who didn’t get the replies they wanted late at night. Two birds, one stone.
5. And while I’m there, all mobile devices and non mobile devices should be used in front of you so that you can see what they are accessing and monitor for inappropriate content. It’s true that other parents may not be this vigilant, but at least while they are in your home you can protect them in this way. I’ve heard parents say that they’ll access stuff elsewhere so what’s the point?! This may well be true if your have a normal child! However, if they have an anchor to refer to – ie your rules- it’s more likely that they will be aware of what’s OK and what isn’t, even if they access it. And that’s a good thing.
6. I’ve mentioned before in a piece about sexting that having passwords to your child’s social media is really important. And again – they may have duplicate accounts, they may have spare phones – it happens! You can only do your best to teach this stuff and have these conversations.
As an aside, a friend of mine recently snapchatted a funny selfie to her 13 year old daughter’s friends which I thought was risky but genius! The daughter took it very well, surprisingly, not without eye rolling, but the real gold was this – now all the daughter’s friends know that her parents have access to her snapchat. Instantly reducing the risk of nastiness or inappropriate photos or comments coming her way.
Good isn’t it??!
Have conversations about security online, how to block people, how to limit/ restrict people and how to be wise about who to follow and who to friend. Now I know that clocking up millions of friends is what your child will want to do and there is a limit to what you can control but this is not a reason to avoid the discussion. As with everything, we need to anchor ideas and standards so that we can, and they can refer to them. And so that they can blame the strict annoying adults if they need a ‘get-out’.
7. Warn your kids not to disclose family information online. It can be embarrassing and shaming on a personal level (“My brothers girlfriend dumped him LOL”) and it can be unsafe (Excited for family trip to Florida tomorrow!) – the local burglar industry will be thrilled with that one!
Incidentally – I’ve seen adults do this too – do you?
So here y’go – feel free to print if you think it’s a fit for you family. Depending on the ages you may want to tweak here and there.
Finally, learn about the tech your child is using. I’ve mentioned this before when talking about sexting and I’ll continue saying it forever. Play their games, use their apps (that’s a piece I wrote after I discovered a child I knew personally was unwittingly putting herself out there) We the grown ups simply must know how stuff works. This will help keep your child safe.
So, we know that screen time is linked to obesity, sleep issues, violence, behavioural issues, social issues, educational problems as well as all the good stuff of course. Setting boundaries and rules around its use will benefit the whole family – especially if you get creative and come up with alternatives!
Good luck – it’s a challenge!
It’s New Year’s Eve again! When I was fifteen and an avid science fiction fan (still am) I couldn’t wait for 2018 to see what kind of technology we’d have. That is if I made it to 2018 of course. I figured I’d be lucky to live past 25… #SoOld
To keep me company as I write this blog and make my memes I just logged into my Spotify on my phone and streamed it to a 30 year old amp (it’s class) with an apple gizmo that I bought second hand on Ebay for e few euro.
Would 15 year old me even be able to read that sentence???
Are you constantly late? Do you freeze when asked to make a calculation? Do you dread questions at work that will involve numbers? Do you overspend? Do you get lost easily?
Well you’re not alone!
These are some of the signs of a condition called Dyscalculia – often referred to Dyslexia for numbers. It too causes difficulty at school, social difficulty and anxiety, but somehow it has received less attention and so fewer people know about it.
I wrote this piece for Voiceboks.com – and if you think you may have Dyscalculia it may be worth the three minute read!
And if your child seems to fit the description, now’s a great time to get help!
Feel free to let me know how you (or your child) get on!
It’s been pretty harrowing listening to today’s coverage of the case of domestic violence that culminated in the murder of a young mother. The man, who strangled his wife and allegedly threatened to kill her on more than one occasion is pleading guilty to manslaughter, not to murder. That’s one issue I have with this case.
The real issue I have, closely related, is that nature of his reasoning – he says he was ‘provoked’.
It was a glorious September morning. I had just had a great run, finished my physio homework pain-free and was pretty much on a high as I left the gym to drive to work in Youghal. As I prepared to turn right at the gate, a silver Audi approaching from my left, turned right into the gateway cutting across me. I slammed on the brakes narrowly preventing a nasty collision.
I’ve taken up running again (grateful nod to the best physio in the world), and to keep me company I’ve downloaded hours of nerdy sciencey podcasts – and it’s brilliant!
My current addiction is “You Are Not So Smart” – it’s super informative and one doesn’t have to be a scientist or academic to ‘get’ it. And it has this way of helping you to understand that a lot of what you thought you knew is wrong – or at least has been improved upon. If only I could force all the world leaders to subscribe … AND it’s free! ( As I’m here I also recommend 99% Invisible and The infinite Monkey Cage which is very funny as well as fascinating).
