Why do you cook the turkey like that?!

Christmas dinner
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There was this young woman who was living with her partner and she decided that for their first Christmas together, she wanted to cook Christmas dinner the way her mother taught her. Partner, delighted, sat back and let her do the work and off she set, delighted with herself.

She got the turkey, placed it on the worktop and started to cut it sideways across the middle, separating the crown from the limbs. Partner watches on, enthralled, having never seen this done before.

She placed the two halves on separate trays for roasting and preheated the top and bottom ovens, even though there was plenty of room in the bottom for both bird and the yummy veg that would surely follow.

“Why did you slice the turkey like that?”

She stopped short. She turned and said “Well, because that’s how it’s done”.

“Really? Where?” Asked the (brave) partner.

“Yes really! God!” She’s getting annoyed now. Feels a bit criticised. But … also starting to wonder why… She thinks about it, makes an excuse to leave the room and calls her mother.

“Why do you slice the turkey across like that at Christmas?” she asked. “You never do that with chickens”.

“Well”, says the mother, “because, erm… that’s how it’s done! I mean, it’s always done like that!” The daughter asks her if she ever saw anyone else do that? Mother thinks of all the TV chefs she follows, the Instagram chefs, her friends….hmmmm… it is a bit odd maybe…

“I’ll call granny” she says. So call calls her mother and asks her “Why do we cut off the turkey crown and roast it separately at Christmas but cook chicken whole?”

Granny said “Y’know I often wondered myself why you do that dear! Why do you think I might know?” Well, this is a little frustrating mom is thinking. “Because that’s how you taught me to do it!!!” she said, a little exasperated now, to be honest.

Granny laughs gently and says,

” Ok…well, the only reason I did it that way is because the turkey had to be huge to feed us all, and the main oven I had was just too small to accommodate it, so I improvised!

But you have always had a better oven. So, I have often wondered why you do it that way…

My own mother told me that story – it’s got depth hasn’t it?!

Happy Christmas again guys, see you on the other side!

My Friends’ Christmas tree

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There’s a lot of talk of tradition at Christmas isn’t there?

The food, the shopping, the gifts, the visiting, the dreaded relatives…

But despite tradition, things always change. Usually without our consent. And some of those changes can be so jarring.

A friend recently asked me if I’d write a piece about loss and bereavement for Christmas. And something weird happened to me when he said it. I felt a block. I reflected on it on and off the past few weeks, wondering had my brain actually finally been emptied of words? Or worse, was it broken? Why wasn’t I flinging open my laptop to release the flow of unedited thoughts as I normally do?

Was I too sad myself? Did I simply not want to talk about death anymore? Did I just not want to write anything for public consumption anymore? (And in truth, nothing like a nasty dose of online bullying to silence one – albeit, it turns out, temporarily… but ya, that was definitely part of it)

It somehow felt just, too, big. Not too sad, just too big.

Plus, I’ve written about loss at this time of year before. About how Christmas has this uncanny way of shining a big spotlight on our loss-wounds. It pokes at them, relentless, reminding us of how painful it still is… how awful, even traumatic it can feel. Despite the healing we experience, and the caring we receive, and even the gorgeous hope that can follow.

And it does all this torturous stuff while playing cheery carols and sleighbells and offering us lovely tasty things to eat NOM and YUM – what a headwreck!! (note to self AGAIN, avoid Brown Thomas from Halloween onwards!)

I was thinking about this again (still?) as we drove to visit friends this evening. They have each other, two grown sons, and a beautiful Christmas tree – and of course they’re lucky enough to have us in their lives too!

(We are so so lucky to have them 🙂 )

We were admiring their tree and all the different decorations and better, the stories attached to each one. This will resonate with a lot of people I think – the stories, the big meanings we attach to small items. It’s a beautiful thing isn’t it? It turns a Christmas tree into a unique story of a family’s life – the gains, the losses, the giggles and celebrations. And the ritual of honouring all of it, every year.

My friend told me a beautiful story without realising it, as is often the case with her actually. Her younger son came home and she suggested he decorate the tree before his brother came home so that he (the elder) wouldn’t feel he had to do it – having never really enjoyed it – and so he did. And it’s stunning – I mean , I even look at that reindeer (near top right) OMGerrrrd so cute!

But then the elder came home and saw the tree all decorated – lights up, star up, everything perfect and visible…and finished.

Yep, you maybe guessed it, he was not happy.

Why did they do this without him? Why wasn’t his favourite decoration more readily visible? He’d have put it somewhere else! (Wait whuuut? He had a favourite decoration??) And, just, well, WHY?!

And I thought wow. How gorgeous is this. This family tradition that he didn’t want any part of – not in a nasty way, just simply uninterested – had become an important part of his Christmas ritual. It had seeped into him, unbeknownst to himself.

And woven into his unconscious fabric of tradition, when unintentionally taken from him, it really hurt. He missed it. It was more important than any of them realised. These boys are no longer grumpy, bored, teens. They are men that want to celebrate their sense of belonging to this beautiful family by being part of the symbolism that is unique to their Christmas. They have integrated their child selves, with their cute little cards and childish drawings (that reindeer again lads…), with their older selves.

And now they have come home for Christmas. They know that they will be parented again here, and always. That their younger and older selves and all ages and versions in between have been seen and noticed and remembered and cherished, and are symbolised on that tree. The wonky angels and the misspelled cards are priceless treasures on a living time machine. The pure love in their parents eyes as they excitedly showed us the handwritten messages from their 5 and 6 year olds…

They are lucky.

I know not all of us can, or want to come home for Christmas. But tradition and ritual is important to us. It can sneak up and wallop us in the heart if it’s missing. And if it is missing, what can we do? Well, maybe make a new one.

Do you want to make a new one? Do you maybe even need to?

After all, each family tradition we have was once something new that someone tried once, and it stuck. (Which reminds me of another story I want to tell ye maybe tomorrow now that my writer’s block has been cured). It stuck because it meant something, and we all strive to make meaning.

Maybe these 6 foot boymen children of our friends will maybe one day have their tree and their own disinterested bored kids. And maybe they’ll be sad that these kids don’t see them or appreciate them or care for their traditions and then suddenly, maybe, one of them will come home and want to adjust the positioning of their favourite wonky decoration. And the cycle will close and open again, the same, but changed. That’s life, and it’s just lovely to think about.

Happy Christmas to you all xx

The Best of a Brutal Year

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Wishing you all a very Happy New Year!

F I N A L L Y … Can’t be much worse than the last!!


I’m left with a feeling of awe actually – at how we’ve managed to pull together and survive this, most of us. I’m sorry for those who have suffered loss – whatever form that loss took, and will continue to take.

So much loss…

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Blue Monday – truth or myth?

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As I type it’s Blue Monday. Who knew?!

A lot of us apparently. But did you know that the idea that today is “the most depressing day of the year” was completely fabricated by PR company who were employed by a travel company in 2005? In fact a lot of mental health myths were created by PR companies but that’s for another blog post. With regard to this one:

“The formula was devised to help a travel company “analyze when people book holidays and holiday trends,” said Alex Kennedy, spokesperson for Porter Novelli, a London-basedPR agency.”

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Happy Mother’s Day!

Three tulips
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Gosh – it comes around so fast doesn’t it?!!

I was wondering what to post this year – and I found that I’ve done quite a few bits already and would probably wind up just repeating myself!! Plus the weather’s so lovely, y’know, at this very moment, so I really do want to get to the beach… (#practicewhatipreachetc)

So – if you’re in a reading /bookmarking-then-running-away mood here are links to my most recent “Happy Mothers Day – or maybe not??” on Family FriendlyHQ and “Are you a good enough mother?”) which you may have read before if you been signed up to my blog since last year. In both, particularly the latter, you’ll find links to others – all for the day that’s in it.

And just Twitter alerted my to this piece written by a new cyber friend – Emma Hayes. She writes

“I have ignored all the shelves – the ones I’d usually stop at – and ignored the adverts online and on the TV. If only my online searches could restrict Mother’s Day content, sure don’t they know everything about us? They listen in, yet, apparently, they haven’t heard that my mum is dead”.

A heartfelt, gorgeous piece.

Or maybe you’d rather just lie down after a feed of icecream??

Homework for today: Lie down and have a feed of icecream. Unless you hate icecream. Chocolate maybe? #whyisitduringlent #mothersday #motheringsunday #parentingishard Have a great day!! Tweet to another mum
Bon Appetit Women!

All good! And well deserved no doubt! 🙂

BUT really – this pic really says all I want to say. Because today is brilliant!! But also not so brilliant – for nearly everyone. It really is a mixed bag.

So yes, take care of you today, whatever your circumstance.

Are you a good enough Mother?

Three tulips
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SPOILER ALERT!!! If you're concerned about this then answer is yes... #mothersday #parenting tweet to fellow mum

A friend and I used to write a blog together a few years ago now and this is where this post originally appeared –  on Mother’s Day, 2015 (feels like last year – 2 years tops!!) Not a whole lot has changed since then when it comes to parenting and the gnawing fear of not getting it right (whatever “right” is!!). We are acutely aware of how much judgement is out there, and how it seeps into moms’ heads and hearts.

 

So for the day that’s in it, here it is again:

Ah, Mothers Day – a day to celebrate all that is Mother (or Mom,  Mommy, Mama, Mam, Mum, or “*grunts!!” – depending on how your offspring refer to you).

We all know that parenting is one of the most demanding and difficult jobs there are – and there’s no training! (What’s that about?!).  As you can imagine, there are lots of parents out there fretting, wondering if they’re doing it ‘right’.

If you’ve clicked on this you’re probably a mother (or know a mother), so we’ve devised a super-scientific questionnaire based on our collective 40 years’ personal and professional experience to help to decide whether or not you’re a ‘good’ mother.

Ready?

Here we go – be honest now!

PART 1: AM I NORMAL?

 

 

 

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Dear Media – what’s to be: pro or anti women??

Irish sex industry
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This was my response several years ago in the Irish Examiner who, not for the first time in my experience, appear to be confused as to which cause they are championing: The promotion and protection of women’s rights, or the war on womens’ self esteem via media driven unrealistic body image and portrayal. As a psychotherapist I witness daily the results of poor body image and low self esteem: self loathing, disordered eating, depressed feelings, social withdrawal.. I could go on.

These ‘symptoms’ are also presented by the sex industry workers with whom I have had contact. 

Coincidence?

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Irish Times Health Supplement Interview: ‘My Working Life’

Irish Times: My Working Life
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I was interviewed by the Health Supplement  for this article which looked mainly at my work in Barnardos , as well as my private practice. 

Sally O’Reilly, a child and family bereavement therapist with Barnardos, says children are good communicators once you learn their language. Sally feels there is less of a stigma attached to the idea of therapy for children.

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Women are still enslaved, only the “how” has changed.

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This was published in the Irish Times and Irish Examiner and is my response to a discussion I heard on Today FM about a ‘glamour model’. This interview coincided with newly published figures on sexual assault in Ireland and I address the probable link between the glamour culture and objectification of women. Continue reading