Tag Archives: Relationships

Does your relationship need a health-check?

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“Is our relationship healthy? Is it normal? Are we OK?”

These questions come up all the time in therapy – actually, if you’re lucky, they come up over coffee with friends! You’ve maybe had those conversations, praying that your friends will say “Ya! – we fight more than you do actually – you have it sown UP compared to us!”.

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What I’ve learned about friendship (so far!)

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I think it was Goodfellas, definitely a mafia film, where I saw the following scene:This guy owed our hero, his friend, $10. Our hero was having a lot of trouble retrieving the money, he kept on trying but his ‘friend’ was creative with excuses.

We’ve all been there right?

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6 fake apologies and how to spot them

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I’m pretty certain that you, like me, have been left feeling a little chilled at some point after receiving a long-awaited apology. Instead of feeling relief, you’re left with a churning stomach, your heart is thumping, you’re feeling de-centred, uncertain, maybe even irritated.

Your gut is telling you that this relationship is still not right even though you got the “sorry”.

These negative emotions and physical feelings are a sure sign that you’ve been “fake-apologied”. (I know that isn’t a real word … ;))

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Do you over-apologise?

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Do you over-apologise

We say ‘sorry’ too much.

This isn’t a criticism, more of an observation. “Sorry!” has become a social nicety, a social convention, that seems to have gone terribly wrong. Over-saying sorry not only dilutes its true meaning, it can also be a way we in which we unwittingly dismiss ourselves and allow others to follow suit.

Let’s look at 4 Unnecessary Apologies, see if you recognise yourself:

1 The ‘sorry-for-having-feelings’ sorry:

It happens every week in therapy. Someone sits in front of me crying, and inevitably I hear a muffled “sorry”. I’ve done it myself actually, and you probably have too. Sniffing away, in utter torment and then we suddenly find ourselves apologizing. Apologizing for having a feeling and expressing it. What’s that about?!?!

Insight: One of the goals of therapy is  to help people to express their emotions – all of them – in a healthy way. Being with someone who is able to cry is a privilege – because emotions are the gateway to healing. 

 We don’t apologize when we express most other feelings. We don’t feel hope and then say sorry for it. We don’t laugh and then apologise for it. (Well, rarely, unless it is actually inappropriate to laugh, which is usually terror or sadness in disguise anyway..) Are we apologizing for exposing the listener to our pain? Are we apologising for not feeling happy and being ‘abnormal’? If someone witnesses our pain are we causing them pain? (The answer is no by the way, even if they are uncomfortable, we are not the true cause of that. But that’s for another post). In fact that someone might be perfectly OK with it, possibly even flattered, privileged!

Think about it: would you want an apology from a friend/a child for expressing feelings in a healthy way?

2 The ‘tic’ sorry:

“uhmmm…Sorry, could I ask you a stupid question?” “Sorry, what time is it?” “Sorry, could you repeat that?”

Sound familiar?

This poetry slam reader  observed of herself – “I asked five questions during that lecture and each of them began with the word “sorry”. (skip to 2:50 if you’re stuck for time, hear the gasps) It’s had over 4 million views – 4,000,000!!! Clearly, a lot of us relate.

Asking a question is, of course, not something for which we need to apologise. Sorry has become a substitute for “may I have your attention for a moment please?” It has also become a filler, an unnecessary word, that’s why we call it a tic.

Unfortunately, it is a way of minimising our needs. We would do well to be aware of how often we say it, as it can make us less effective communicators.

Take this example: “I’m sorry, this soup is cold, could I please have it heated up?”

Simply take out the “I”m sorry”, you could add in a ” Hi”, or “Excuse me,”. Different now isn’t it?

Insight: Sometimes a ‘tic’ sorry is evidence of having learned that we are an inconvenience, or that we are being troublesome. This might come from our family background, or it may be a faulty message that we’ve learned from an abusive partner or friend. Somehow, we develop a feeling of “less than”. If this resonates with you then a good therapist can support you through these feelings.

(Incidentally this ad by Pantene is great, even though it’s an ad and is directed solely at women…. I’m not apologising for that though ;). It’s only a minute long – give it a watch.)

3 The ‘fright’ sorry

You know how it goes. You’re walking along, enjoying yourself, daydreaming, planning your day. Then it happens.  Maybe they don’t see you, they’re texting, or they’re watching something across the street, or blowing their nose. Whatever. Next thing – Bang! You’ve collided, despite your best efforts. It hurts. You’re winded, broken ribs crack as you fall to the ground gasping “Sorrryyyyyyy”… Ok , well…slightly exaggerating.

The person walks on oblivious while you have accepted responsibility by saying sorry. And all that’s left is your unnecessary apology hanging in the air and you wish you could unsay it.

This is another habit (usually only happens to those of us who already say a lot of ‘unnecessary sorry’s’ though). It’s like an automatic reaction to an unexpected situation, so don’t beat yourself up over it. Instead, think about what you might do/say/think the next time, or possibly how to review the situation/incident with the person(s) involved.

4 The ‘fear’ sorry

So, this one is the most serious. I see this one as a defence. For many, an effective one, at least temporarily. Perhaps women in particular do the ‘fear sorry’. Most of us are taught from an early age to not put ourselves in dangerous positions, to make things easier, fix them, keep the peace. Often, we do this by saying sorry, it’s a smoothing-over sorry. A please-leave-me-alone-let-this-be-the-end-of-it sorry. We (men and women) need to be careful with this sorry that we don’t become long-term victims, that we don’t take more than our share of responsibility in arguments, or worse. The fear sorry is either a simple habit that we bring out of the habit bag occasionally, or:

Insight: You may have been taught that if you ‘get yourself’ hurt you’ve no one to blame but yourself. You may have been taught that you are responsible for someone else’s rage or violence. People who are routinely abused tend to apologise for being abused. While we are ultimately responsible for putting ourselves in vulnerable positions, we do need to be careful that we don’t apologise to others for being abused or for ‘provoking’ abuse. (“I’m sorry for making you angry” etc). We especially should not apologise to our abusers. This is something therapy can really help with. 

Try This:

Next time you catch yourself saying sorry do a quick check:

1. Was that sorry necessary?

2. If not, do I need to do or say something else? Have I dismissed myself? Have I let someone off the hook? Am I afraid?

My next two posts will be looking at fake apologies and how to spot them, and real (or necessary) apologies and how to make them and how to accept them

Sorry – gotta go! (See what I did there??)

Feel free to comment and /or sign up over there on the right (or scroll down if you’re on your phone or tablet!) if you’d like to receive new posts as I post them.

 

 

Are your friends bad for you? Recognising Toxic friendships

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Did you know that friendships have an average shelf life of 7 years?

The ones that last longer are the deeper friendships that are truly nourishing and good. They are worth your investment, because the joy, fun, trust, encouragement and support outweigh the irritations, the upset, the clashes (which are normal). Even if you rarely actually see each other!

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Is technology destroying our relationships?

Family
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Sharon Ní Conchuir, a freelance journalist, contacted me with some interesting questions about the impact of technology on our relationships.  It was interesting for me to revisit this subject with a different interviewer and offer some more tips on how we can better manage our online lives.

Q: What exactly is the lure of the internet and the various ways of communicating online? What is it that proves so seductive to people?

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Are you in love with your phone?

Social Media in Relationships
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This is a conversation with Chrissie Russell, freelance journalist, about some of the positive and negative impacts that technology can have on our relationships. You will notice that I caution strongly against vilifying technology – partially because I have deep love of my own iPhone!!

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A conversation about men who cheat and the women who stay.

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This was a Q&A with freelance journalist Chrissie Russell about men who cheat and the women who stay with them (and yes, I know that women cheat too, but that’s for another day!)

In terms of character traits, is there a certain ‘type’ of man more likely to cheat? (more…)

Childless & happy? You better believe it. . .

Childless and happy
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 I was interviewed for this piece by Chrissie Russell, a journalist who is interested in the assumptions made around gender, in particular, the assumption that women will want to, and will go on to have children. It was an interesting one to do, and I’ll make the full text of my answers to her available in the future. For now – here’s the version that was printed in the Irish Independent: