I have a friend – well, I know and admire a woman who might yet be a friend – and this morning I woke to find an email from her in my inbox, with a recording attached. She’s a journalist and normally an email from her means she’s writing a piece and is interested in my professional opinion on the topic. We’ve been back and forth-ing for a couple of years and, as you do, we’ve been rearranging the boundaries a little more each time.
Yay us – what a year! A lot has happened this year. A lot of it really, really terrible. We’ve talked about Weinstein, #MeToo, Rape Culture, Porn, Women and the church, our own entertainment industry and its grim history of sexual misconduct. Our next challenges are to respectfully debate Repeal the 8th, to continue to #changetheconversation, to keep up the momentum of reform for ourselves, our partners, our children. It’s clear that terrible things have happened.
But on the other hand:
Tweens + teens + tech = nightmare!!!
Lots of people are doing a lot of talking about setting rules for kids around their use of technology and that’s a really good thing. We don’t have to look far to find examples of how tech is damaging (as well as enhancing) the lives of our kids – it leaks into everything doesn’t it? Family life, school life, social life, private life. Nothing is untouched by tech these days – unless you are super strict and have none in your house.. in which case I guess you won’t be reading this..
While there is a lot written telling parents to set rules, there isn’t quite as much written about what exact rules to set. And so parents are still left scratching their heads somewhat – it’s not as if we can refer to what our parents did. We are still coming to terms with this shiny new toy ourselves!
Educational and life enhancing as it it though, technology use really needs to be contained and starting off with rules and sticking to them is the way to go. For sure. Kids will not set their own boundaries, they are not equipped to do so and not only that, but they are relying on us to do this for them.
Several weeks ago a thirteen year old boy that I work with told me he’d been awake ’til 3am gaming – an over 18’s game, but that’s not the main point. The main point that struck me was this – he said he was exhausted. That he couldn’t concentrate in school. I agreed that he certainly looked tired. He said “Ya.. I know.. I wish my parents would notice that..”.
He said it would be easier for him is they just took it from him, turned off the modem, set rules. That way he’d sleep better and be able to blame them when him gaming buddies whined that he wasn’t online. He thought it was nice that they trusted him but seriously – how could he resist the temptation??
Rules must be set, much as we want to communicate trust to our young people. One way to communicate that trust is to set rules and then trust them to play ball.
My suggestion is pretty old school: write a list of rules, stick them up on a wall, or several walls and be ready to discuss in advance and then issue consequences (not necessarily punishments) for rule breakage. These consequences will be removal of privileges – tech related privileges will likely work best (This is known as ‘Logical consequence’ and I’ll discuss the difference between Logical Consequences, Natural consequences and punishment in another post).
1. No phones (or laptops, tablets, iPads, iPods or TV’s) to be used in any way during meals. Ideally have a bowl or a box to temporarily chuck them into. Y’know, gently. Note your own discomfort with this idea (are you resisting it already??) This is where we need to model the behaviour we expect. If you don’t, you’ll look like a hypocrite to an acutely sharp teenage eye and also it will definitely get thrown into your face during a future argument! Phone etiquette is a modern social skill – we all need to adapt and learn it!
2. Homework first. Lots of houses have a rule where TV or whatever is turned on as soon as the school bag hits the floor – that’s certainly what happened in my house. My suggestion is though that access to tech happens only after homework and/or a small household job or two or done. This will have lots of benefits long term – your child will learn self-discipline, patience, and responsibility. It will also help them avoid the distraction and procrastination that goes with TV watching and it will enhance their enjoyment of said distraction when they finally get to it because nothing will be hanging over them. We need to teach relaxation and reward too!
3. Screens off at the same time every night. We know that the blue light emitted by screens, even small screens like phone interferes with the production of melatonin. This is bad news for sleepy time. And that’s bad news for pretty much everything from academic performance to overall physical and mental health.
(Goes for adults too… #JustSayin
4. Bedrooms should be tech-free zones. Two reasons for this –
- The sleepy time issue as above
- The ability to monitor what your child/teen is accessing (or what/who, is accessing them) is zero if the tech is in their bedroom.
Allowing your teen to have a TV in his bedroom will only encourage him to watch a lot of TV and it will be nearly impossible to monitor what he’s watching and how much TV he’s watching. Another idea is to have phones shut down at night and handed over to you until morning. There are thousands of kids all over the world texting and snapping into the small hours and wandering around like zombies the next day. You can prevent this. And they can blame you if they get grief from friends who didn’t get the replies they wanted late at night. Two birds, one stone.
5. And while I’m there, all mobile devices and non mobile devices should be used in front of you so that you can see what they are accessing and monitor for inappropriate content. It’s true that other parents may not be this vigilant, but at least while they are in your home you can protect them in this way. I’ve heard parents say that they’ll access stuff elsewhere so what’s the point?! This may well be true if your have a normal child! However, if they have an anchor to refer to – ie your rules- it’s more likely that they will be aware of what’s OK and what isn’t, even if they access it. And that’s a good thing.
Have you been affected by the #MeToo campaign?
I am a huge fan of finding ways to empower ourselves and act to be the change we want. With that in mind I wrote this piece as a “what we can do” response to the Weinstein and consequent #MeToo outpourings on social media – an outpouring I warmly welcome and enthusiastically embrace!
The full piece is on FamilyFriendlyHQ – click on the pic to get there:
So, here we are again. Every Year since 1908 we have celebrated International Women’s Day and while we have made huge strides in some areas, we have a very long way to go.
Much has been written in the lead up to today. And much of it grim. I won’t go into the Tuam babies thing here.. (2018 edit – Weinstein, #MeToo, Repeal the 8th debate, the women-being-ordained question, the sordid details of the rape (victim) trial, the pick-your-own-horror-story… ).To mark the day I thought I’d post a compilation of important pieces about how women are (still) being treated in the 21st century. It’s not terrifically cheery reading so you might want to stop now. I understand, I really do.
In my last piece I asked a scary question – Is your child sexting?
And here is the follow-up piece with some suggestions on how to introduce the conversation to your child. And even though it says ‘teen’ in the title – I wrote this with younger children in mind too.
Because as you may or may not know, children as young as ten are accessing porn and are being pressured into sexting. So it’s a very real concern that has a lot pf parents worried and feeling powerless. Hopefully, this will help. And if you have any other tips from your own experience and wisdom please do share them below.
Now I know that thinking about your child sexting is not on your list of fun things to do for the weekend… Continue reading
I was catching up on my Facebook messages earlier and this post sent to me by a friend really caught my eye. It’s a meme from one of those humour pages on Facebook. Judging by the comments it resonates with most people and they think it’s really funny! (It is too – I mean who hasn’t waited years for a plumber?!!)
You’ve probably already heard about the new Calvin Klein advertising campaign. It’s worked, that’s for sure, in that Twitter and Facebook can’t get enough of complaining about it. And of course the pro-sexism and creepy factions can’t get enough of defending it and lashing out at people who recognise it for what it is – blatant sexist glamourisation of and dismissal of sexual harassment.